Monday, October 19, 2009

Read me Oprah!

It has been a long time since I have done a top ten. And because my life long dream is to be the host of The Late Nigh Show, now currently being hosted by David Letterman, I work hard on my top ten’s. I also work hard on really bad jokes and offending Oprah. Turns out, 99% of my jokes are bad without trying. And as for offending Oprah:


Just kidding Oprah. Now give me money!

Anyways, it has been long enough since going through childbirth that I have developed a new list that is sure to please my sister. Please her funny bone and also scare her into NEVER ENGAGING IN “THE BUSINESS” AGAIN! And I will make no apologies to Spencer, her husband, this time. Oh no…he is on his own if he wants, you know, ever again. What am I? Some sort of pimp? I don’t think so.

So proudly I present:

Top 10 Things That SUCK About Having a Baby

1. Only Being Able To Have Ice Chips: That’s right! Once your water breaks it is ice chips only from there on out. And if you have a long labor, I don’t care what flavor they put on the damn ice, it is still ice. Frozen chunks of water that are not equal to real food in anyway.

2. Having Your Water Broken: It is one thing for your water to break naturally I am sure. But to have it broken by a doctor to induce your labor, well, let’s just leave it by saying NASTY! And the even better part of it? Being in so much pain and hooked to so many machines that your Mom has to wipe you clean when you start feeling extra nasty. BTW, thanks for that Mom!

3. Losing Any Sense of Dignity and/or Privacy: I have had more people looking at or touching my “centerpiece” in the last 8 weeks then I ever dared to hope for. And seriously, after having about 4 different nurses and 3 different doctors check my cervix, by the time I got to my hospital room after having the baby, I wasn’t shy about letting those nurses check out my goods either. My Business saw more visitors during my stay at the hospital then actual people came to see my baby and me during my stay.

4. Being Forced to Take Drugs: Need I say more? I was feeling pretty good, even after having my abdomen cut open. So the nurses who kept coming in and insisting that I take something for my pain, I get what you were doing but you were kind of coming off like drug dealers.

5. Epidurals That Wear Off: Oh yes! It is possible that your epidural will wear off. About seven hours after getting my epidural my left leg started getting some feeling back. And at that really sucks when my contractions are really REALLY strong. So be mindful of your epidural and don’t be afraid to start complaining if you start feeling things.

6. Having a Sister With A Weak Stomach: There was two times where my most wonderful sister almost passed out. Once when I was getting my epidural and then once in the operating room when Gabe was being removed from my uterus. I love my sister and could never thank her enough for being there for me during my whole labor process. (She even slept on the floor in my labor and delivery room!) But when you look over and notice that your sister is gone, it is really scary! So Becca, for future reference, just sit on the floor from the get-go so I don’t have to worry about you fainting and smacking your head.

7. Hospital Food: I don’t need to say much else. Between being bland, sometimes cold, and rubbery (Yes, rubbery.) there was only about one thing I enjoyed about hospital food and that was all the milk and juice I could drink! Seriously! An unlimited supply of beverage. And anyone who knows me knows I put that to good use.

8. Having Every Nurse Tell Me How Precious My Baby Is: Yes, I know he is amazingly adorable. But seriously, you don’t have to kiss my butt. You don’t have to try that hard. I know he is cute. And I am sure you get tired of saying that to every new mother that crosses your path. You don’t have to do that with me. It’s cool because I seriously know how cute he is. I mean come on, he is half me and half Ryan, how could the kid not be cute?

9. People Who Told Me “It only gets worse from here.” Maybe it got worse for you but I am looking forward to the future with Gabe. Sure he will do things to scare me and drive me crazy but I am okay with that because I will get so much in return. Maybe you only say that because your kids were all assholes.

10. Getting Used To Breast Feeding: All I am going to say here is OUCH! And that we be enough on this subject.

So there you have it. My latest and greatest list. I hope you enjoy. And seriously Oprah, if you are reading this send me some money because diapers are expensive.

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