Read me Oprah!

It has been a long time since I have done a top ten. And because my life long dream is to be the host of The Late Nigh Show, now currently being hosted by David Letterman, I work hard on my top ten’s. I also work hard on really bad jokes and offending Oprah. Turns out, 99% of my jokes are bad without trying. And as for offending Oprah:

HEY OPRAH! YOU SUCK!

Just kidding Oprah. Now give me money!

Anyways, it has been long enough since going through childbirth that I have developed a new list that is sure to please my sister. Please her funny bone and also scare her into NEVER ENGAGING IN “THE BUSINESS” AGAIN! And I will make no apologies to Spencer, her husband, this time. Oh no…he is on his own if he wants, you know, ever again. What am I? Some sort of pimp? I don’t think so.

So proudly I present:

Top 10 Things That SUCK About Having a Baby

1. Only Being Able To Have Ice Chips: That’s right! Once your water breaks it is ice chips only from there on out. And if you have a long labor, I don’t care what flavor they put on the damn ice, it is still ice. Frozen chunks of water that are not equal to real food in anyway.

2. Having Your Water Broken: It is one thing for your water to break naturally I am sure. But to have it broken by a doctor to induce your labor, well, let’s just leave it by saying NASTY! And the even better part of it? Being in so much pain and hooked to so many machines that your Mom has to wipe you clean when you start feeling extra nasty. BTW, thanks for that Mom!

3. Losing Any Sense of Dignity and/or Privacy: I have had more people looking at or touching my “centerpiece” in the last 8 weeks then I ever dared to hope for. And seriously, after having about 4 different nurses and 3 different doctors check my cervix, by the time I got to my hospital room after having the baby, I wasn’t shy about letting those nurses check out my goods either. My Business saw more visitors during my stay at the hospital then actual people came to see my baby and me during my stay.

4. Being Forced to Take Drugs: Need I say more? I was feeling pretty good, even after having my abdomen cut open. So the nurses who kept coming in and insisting that I take something for my pain, I get what you were doing but you were kind of coming off like drug dealers.

5. Epidurals That Wear Off: Oh yes! It is possible that your epidural will wear off. About seven hours after getting my epidural my left leg started getting some feeling back. And at that really sucks when my contractions are really REALLY strong. So be mindful of your epidural and don’t be afraid to start complaining if you start feeling things.

6. Having a Sister With A Weak Stomach: There was two times where my most wonderful sister almost passed out. Once when I was getting my epidural and then once in the operating room when Gabe was being removed from my uterus. I love my sister and could never thank her enough for being there for me during my whole labor process. (She even slept on the floor in my labor and delivery room!) But when you look over and notice that your sister is gone, it is really scary! So Becca, for future reference, just sit on the floor from the get-go so I don’t have to worry about you fainting and smacking your head.

7. Hospital Food: I don’t need to say much else. Between being bland, sometimes cold, and rubbery (Yes, rubbery.) there was only about one thing I enjoyed about hospital food and that was all the milk and juice I could drink! Seriously! An unlimited supply of beverage. And anyone who knows me knows I put that to good use.

8. Having Every Nurse Tell Me How Precious My Baby Is: Yes, I know he is amazingly adorable. But seriously, you don’t have to kiss my butt. You don’t have to try that hard. I know he is cute. And I am sure you get tired of saying that to every new mother that crosses your path. You don’t have to do that with me. It’s cool because I seriously know how cute he is. I mean come on, he is half me and half Ryan, how could the kid not be cute?

9. People Who Told Me “It only gets worse from here.” Maybe it got worse for you but I am looking forward to the future with Gabe. Sure he will do things to scare me and drive me crazy but I am okay with that because I will get so much in return. Maybe you only say that because your kids were all assholes.

10. Getting Used To Breast Feeding: All I am going to say here is OUCH! And that we be enough on this subject.

So there you have it. My latest and greatest list. I hope you enjoy. And seriously Oprah, if you are reading this send me some money because diapers are expensive.

Just Dance

Oh Byron…my brother. What were you thinking? Sending me something so AMAZING! So wonderfully…embarrassing. Did you not stop to think “Hmmm…this might end up on the internet?” Ha! Perhaps I should explain to my “readers” what this video is about.

You see Internet, my brother and sister love my dance moves. This isn’t because I am some amazing dancer. Oh no. It is because I am an awful dancer and my moves are so deliciously tacky that they make people burst into uncontrollable laughter. And there have been several times where they have requested to see my moves simply to give themselves a good laugh. And I don’t mind performing because I love making people laugh.

So my family was at Disneyland last week, as you may remember from my last blog, and for some reason my siblings decided to send me the following video. It was a challenge for a dance off. Allow me to show you what I was up against:

So I decided to pull out the big guns for my response. After all, I am not going to back down. So my reply was this:


Like I am going to send out a video of my dancing? Honestly! So I can end up on YouTube and the Internet? Don’t think so. Sorry Byron. But I hope you enjoy your Internet dancing debut! Love you Brother!

P.S. Sorry about Byron's video being on it's side. You have my sister's videography to thank for that. Love you too Becca! And also, did you see that adorable picture of Gabe at the top of my blog? Don't you just love that little face?

Lions & Tigers & Bears...well no Lions

Sunday was a great day for our family. We had a very nice time Sunday morning when we went, as a family, to a Methodist church. Ryan’s mom is Methodist and he was raised with her Methodist values. So when Ryan and I decided to make more of an attempt to go to church more often, we decided that we would give a Methodist church a shot. It was pretty different but it was also very nice. It was peaceful and pretty laid back. And it was just nice to go to church together as a family.

After church we ran home to have some lunch and then headed up to Hogle Zoo. I have been dying to go up there since the baby elephant was born. But little did I know that there was also a baby Colobus monkey, a baby giraffe, a baby snow leopard, and three baby tigers. As my brother Byron put it, the animals at the zoo have really been “getting it on” lately.

The zoo was a lot of fun for all of us. Sera loved taking pictures of all the animals. I loved seeing all the babies, especially the little baby elephant. Ryan just loves spending time with his family. And Gabe, well, he loves eating and sleeping. But he got to eat and sleep at the zoo, which was extra special. And although he won’t remember it, I took a couple pictures of Gabe and Sera to commemorate his first visit to Hogle Zoo.

We also had some fun on Friday night when my sister stopped by for a visit. She and Sera always seem to have a good time together but often times, Becca gets Sera into trouble because she encourages her to goof off. (This behavior especially seems to happen around the dinner table and involves burping, or playing with her food, or getting off her chair and playing before she has even touched her food. Thanks for that Bec!) But in the end, Sera never does anything TOO naughty and so it is handled easily with a “Sera, please stop.”

This time, however, there was no trouble to be had and Sera and Becca instead, preformed makeovers on each other. I am not sure whose idea it was, Becca’s or Sera’s, but in the end the results were…lovely. I give Sera the award for “Best Hippy/Punk/Homeless Crazy Cat Lady Look” with her design on Becca. Notice the ponytail and her use of not one, but two, elastics.

Becca gets that award for “Most Futuristic Design” with her space alien themed hair. Sera is, of course, a lovely model who shows off her look to its best, if there even was a “best” for this look.

It was fun to spend a little time with Bec before she, my Mom, my Dad, and Byron all headed off to California to spend some time at Disneyland and the beach. Now I know what you are thinking…”How could they leave you at home Rachel? You are the sunshine, comedic relief, and dance expert…THEY NEED YOU!” And yes, I am all those things. It is true. Ryan and I decided, however, that with our newborn little Gabe-zilla, it might be best if we stayed home this time.

So here we sit in cold wet Utah anxiously awaiting their return and some great looking Mickey Mouse ears for our whole family. And we DO expect those ears Mom. I don’t know if you will check this blog while you are on vacation, but you should. Because my blog is just that awesome.

So that is it for us for now. I know Internet, you are always hungry for more but you will just have to wait for my next installment where I am sure to talk about some sort of bodily fluid that came from Gabe, or some funny Sera story, or maybe perhaps the meaning of life. You never know with me Internet, I am full of surprises!

Look-A-Like

It could be considered as "The Question of the Century" by some. But by most, it is consider not that important. But for Ryan and I, it is a frequent topic of conversation. And what is the question I am alluding to? Who does Gabe look like the most?


Of course Ryan and I go back and forth on what we think. And our family and friends have their opinions about it as well. Mostly people say he looks like Ryan and I tend to agree but that might be because Ryan is a man and I am not. And let's face it, I kind of want my little boy to look more like a dude than a lady. (I do not want to hear Aerosmith everytime I see my little guy...unless it is their song "Sweet Emotion" because that song KICKS ASS!)




Allow me to present EXHIBIT A-a picture of Ryan and Gabriel. You cannot really see it in this picture but Ryan and Gabe have similar eye color. In this picture Gabe looks like he has been possessed by something evil and you can't really see his eye color. And yes I am aware that his eye color still might change so spare me you emails telling me all about how your baby's eye color changed after a year. I KNOW! I am talking about right now.




I also think he kind of has Ryan's nose but again, he's a baby and his nose looks different now then it probably will later in life. And both Ryan and I have high cheekbones so that is kind of a toss up. But just looking at them side-by-side I think they look a lot alike.



But in all fairness I must present EXHIBIT B-a picture of Gabe and I together. I think his mouth looks like mine but you can't really tell because I am smiling. His top lip comes to a high peak and mine does the same when it is relaxed. Ryan goes more straight across.


The only other thing I think Gabe and I have in common, other then our fabulous complextion, is our cheekbones. But again Ryan and I both have high cheekbones so it is really a toss up on that one.


One thing we can both agree on is that we are all very good looking people and so we make one good looking group. And when you add Sera into that mix well, we are almost too good looking. So good looking that it should be illegal. In fact, we have been approached by a secret government agency to join a colony on a remote island full of attractive people so that we can keep making more attractive people. It's true...but we declined because we would miss Utah's lovely mountains. Oh yeah! And we would miss our less attractive family members...don't you wish you knew if I was talking about you right now? Don't ya? HAHAHA!


So you be the judge Internet. You tell us who you think he looks more like. And if you can't decide well at least you have two options for the new background for your desktop. Because, I mean, how could you not want that cute little baby face as the background of your desktop? HONESTLY!


Much love to you all! We anxiously wait for your responses.

Family Fun

Last night my Grandma Diane and Grandpa Jim took the family out for a nice dinner at the Lone Star Steakhouse. Okay, well, honestly my Grandma took us out for dinner on the money my Grandpa won at his Korean War reunion in a raffle. My Grandpa probably would have rather spent the money on Pepsi and cowboy movies.

Almost everyone was there. Grandma & Grandpa, of course. Then there were my parents Chad and Karen and my brother Byron, my sister Becca & her hubby Spencer, me, Ryan, and Gabe. Then my Uncle John and Aunt Debbie and their daughter Jessie and her husband Todd and their other daughter Jenny and her husband Ed. Then Aunt Kathy and her husband Paul and Paul's boys Nick and Tyler. My cousin Nicole, her husband Matt and their 3 boys Cameron, Jackson, and Chris. And then finally my Aunt Tracii (Hi Aunt Tracii if you are reading this!) and her two daughters Amy and Michelle. So that makes a grand total of 28. And we were short 4 people. I think the employees of Lone Star Steakhouse were glad to see us go when we were all done eating.

It was a fun night. We rarely all get together like that because no one really has a house big enough to accomedate everyone. And it was really nice to not have to cook or do the clean up on all that.

Of course, everyone loved Gabe. He got passed around more than a joint at a Pink Floyd concert. I think he was a little over stimulated by the end of the night. Either that, or he spent a little too much time under the neon beer signs. (Consequently his first word will probably be Miller, like Miller Genuine Draft.)

And in case there is a contest out there for "Most Awkward Moment Involving Your Grandpa" ere is my submission. I am sitting there enjoying my baked potato and Gabe starts fussing. My Grandpa, who is an 80-somthing-year-old man looks at me across from the table and loudly asks, "So are you still feeding him the titty?" Yes Internet...my Grandpa asked about my titty. Talk about uncomfortable. How would you handle that situation? Me? I just shook my head yes and looked at my Grandma as if to say "Does he have any meds you can give him to SHUT HIM UP?!?!"

It was great that everyone got to meet Gabe finally. And now that Ryan is home for good (THANK YOU GOD!) he got to see everyone again as well. I only wish Sera could have been there with us but you know how things are when you have to deal with that blessed thing called "joint custody."

As for the picture of Gabe at the top of the page, that is him in his Doggy jumpsuit that I believe his Grandma Linda gave him. We put him in that this morning because it is freaking cold here today. And I would take a picture of the cute little Snugglesarus outfit that we had him in for bedtime but he peed and it leaked and so that outfit went into the laundry. And so we changed him into another bedtime outfit and then Gabe turned into Linda Blair from The Exorcist and a volcano of vomit ended up on me, him, the boppy (If you dont know what a Boppy is you must not have children so Google it for future refrence!), my pillow, and the bed. It was lovely. A river of vomit spewed forth and it smelled like bad milk. So now he has been changed again and hopefully there will be now more leaking bodily fluids for tonight, but I will let you know.

Love to you all! I will post again soon.