Bored Family+Crafty Mormons=TERROR

All people fear something. (Except for Chuck Norris maybe.) And some people fear irrational things. I once saw this episode of Maury where he was forcing people to deal with their irrational fears. There was this lady that was afraid of pickles and they brought out a GIANT barrel of pickles and boy did she run. I always wondered if that lady was just putting on a show or if she was really afraid of small delicious wrinkled cucumbers. The world may never know.

I have my own irrational fears. I hate dolls...mostly creepy porcelain dolls or ventriloquist dummies. I am also afraid of spiders because I think they are all out to lay babies in my ear or eat my face. I also am afraid of nuclear war fallout. But also...clowns. I HATE CLOWNS!

You never know who is behind the mask and/or face paint. And they laugh and you can fit 20 into a Volkswagon! COME ON! That ain't natural. It is superhuman...scary super human. Right now there could be 20 giggling facepainted freaks hiding in your car...tell me that thought won't keep you up tonight.

Honestly, my mom (God bless her.) watched this movie on the SciFy channel when I was little called "Attack of the Killer Clowns" which from what I can remember involved clowns from space wrapping people in cotton candy cocoons and then sucking their blood through straws. She also watched "It" which involved a killer clown. How could I not be scared of them right? (On a side note: for years I also made sure the lid to the toilet seat was always down and the bathroom door shut tight because I thought the "It Monster" was going to sneak out of our commode and kill me. Thanks for all those fun memories Mom!)

So Ry and I go on a date tonight and what do I come home to? Someone has left me a surprise. A terrifying surprise. And who would do such a thing? Why my sister and parents of course. I don't need to say much from here on out. The pictures will do my talking. I just want to thank my family. Thank them for making me the next canidate for some talk show. MOVE OVER CRAZY PICKLE LADY!

Shining Moments

As many of you know we did our family photos on Sunday November 15th at Gardner Village in Midvale. There are many situations that cause me stress, mostly because I have anxiety problems, but this one takes the cake recently. I was worried out of my mind about those photos. Allow me to explain.

It started Friday night. My sister Becca was in town for her classes at the U of U and was staying at our house. Ryan and I had planned on going shopping Friday night to get sweaters for the family. This task alone was keeping me up at night. What color? Should we all have different colors? WHAT? Becca then slapped me in the face and told me to snap-the-hell out of it. (Not really.) But she did suggest the color scheme of blue, green, and brown. And after over an hour at Old Navy, we found sweaters for Ryan, Sera, and myself.

Being at the Old Navy was nearly sending me into a panic attack. And no, I am not kidding. For one thing, I hate being in crowded stores. And second, I was on a very tight deadline for finding outfits for all of us. Third, I was planning on all of us wearing jeans but then I was convinced khakis would look better and I DON’T OWN KHAKIS! (I did have brown slacks though, so it was okay.) And fourth, I had so many opinions other then my own coming in, that it was a little, no A LOT, overwhelming. My sister’s opinion was welcome because I invited her for that reason. Then Ryan wanted to put his two cents in which is okay because they are his pictures too. And the dressing room attendant spoke her mind. And finally Sera was telling us all what she thought. It was a little much for me. I wanted to curl into the fetal position in my dressing room and go to my happy place where it rains gummy bears and snows marshmallows and family pictures turn out flawless with no effort on my part.

So we find 3 of the 4 outfits needed. Gabe still has nothing. Old Navy didn’t have anything green for him to wear. So I decided to let him go naked. No, actually, we drove across the street to the Carter’s store. (I should NEVER be allowed to go into the store unsupervised. I would probably buy everything that fit him. It is all so cute!) And after searching around another crowded store for a few minutes, I find a cute green and brown outfit for him. No we can go home and I can lay in the darkness and unwind my nerves.

Saturday passes and I still have Sunday on my mind. I am so nervous that it is going to be a blizzard and that we won’t be able to get our pictures done. And it has been hard finding a weekend when we have Sera and our photographer has the time. So I am praying to Chione, the goddess of snow, that the snow stops before Sunday. Please don’t let it snow on picture day!

Sunday arrives and I have the butterfly feeling in my stomach. I try to curl my hair, no luck. It doesn’t want to hold a curl. Strike one. I go to fix Sera’s hair. She gets upset because I need to use hair spray. Strike two. Go to put Gabe in his new outfit. I cannot find it. Strike three. I am in meltdown.

I begin searching the house for Gabe’s outfit. I know right where I left it. It was in a plastic bag on the end table in the living room. I know it! But now it is not there. Ryan very kindly starts helping me look. I am tearing apart my bedroom while he searches downstairs. Not there. I check the kid’s room. Not there. I check the bathrooms and the guest room. Still nothing.
I ask Ryan to check the garbage can outside because maybe it got thrown away. He goes out and looks and reports back with nothing. Now I am really panicking. Honestly, I was near tears. I don’t handle these situations well. And the next part of this story will demonstrate this even more.

In a last ditch effort I ask Ryan to check the garbage outside again. He goes outside and I walk to the door to watch him. He opens the lid to the nearly full can and stares into it…just looks. He doesn’t move any bags our shift to see deeper into the can. He simply looked in. (Remember I am admitting fault here!)

I storm outside towards the garbage cans. I ask Ryan to move Sera’s car seat to my car and I will look for Gabe’s outfit. I open the almost full can and begin transferring garbage from the can into our empty can next to it. One by one I remove pieces of garbage until I see it. The bag that holds Gabe’s outfit…and it is covered in pizza sauce. I feel my blood pressure rising. In Ryan’s attempt to clean, he threw away Gabe’s outfit on accident. And then when I asked him to look for the outfit, he just opened the can and looked inside. He didn’t actually look deeper into the can. I was seeing red at that point.

I pick up the bag covered in sauce and hold it up so Ryan can see. (He was still trying to get Sera’s car seat in.) His eyes got wide and his face fell a little. He knows he made a mistake. And I, in a brilliant moment of maturity, throw the sauce-covered bag at his car windshield. That’s right…threw it at his car. I didn’t even say anything I just threw it.

I don’t tell this story to make Ryan look bad. He made a mistake, which we all do. And felt bad and apologized for it. I tell this story to show how stupid I acted. Who throws garbage at their husband’s car when he simply made a mistake? Someone who apparently needs to work on how she handles stress.

Turns out the outfit made it out with only a tiny spot of sauce on the back of the fleece jacket. I was able to wipe it off and no one knew. Ryan swore that Gabe smelled like a garbage can though. I couldn’t smell it and neither could my mom. I think poor Ryan just felt so guilty about what happened. And that is my fault! I should have handled it much better than I did. But no, I threw a hissy fit. So I am publicly apologizing to Ryan right now. I AM SORRY I ACTED LIKE A TWO-YEAR-OLD!

When we got to Gardner Village the pictures went well. It wasn’t snowing. We made it on time. We had on our appropriate outfits and no one smelled like trash. It was a good day. And honestly, we had fun. I love getting my pictures taken. It makes me feel special. And I have wanted to get pictures of Gabe and Sera together while Gabe is still a baby. And since Sera often moves with little warning, we took the opportunity to get our family pictures done.
I think the turned out amazing! We used the same photographer that took our wedding day photos. Her name is Courtney Ryan and she does a GREAT job at a really affordable price. If anyone is interested in her info, drop me a line and I will give it to you. We have used her services twice and we have not been disappointed.

When all was said and done the day went well. And I cannot wait to get the prints done and hung up in my living room. Pictures are the one thing I would be sure to grab in a house fire (after my family of course.) because they are such an important part of my past. Gabe and Sera will never be this little again and with these picture, I will always be able to remember it perfectly. And with kids this cute, who wouldn’t take as many pictures as possible?

Sick and Tired

The last week I was home with a tiny sick baby. This was my first real experience with Gabe being sick. It started early Tuesday morning. Gabe woke up for his normal 3 a.m. meal and was very congested. He was snorting and gurgling with every cry. I felt bad for him but there isn’t much you can do. With a baby as young as he is, there aren’t really any medicines that will help with congestion.

I should have known something else was wrong, however, because he wouldn’t go back to sleep. Ry and I assumed it was because he couldn’t breathe well and so he was fussy. We each took a turn that morning and I thank Ryan for his patience. I was with Gabe until about 4:15 am and then Ryan took him until about 5:30 which is when he needed to get up and start getting ready for work. So then I took him back but noticed that he was very sweaty and warm.

I kept him with me until about 6 am because I needed to take a shower so that I could get ready for work as well. Ryan held him while I jumped in and decided to take him temperature. When Ryan took it, it was 99.6 which isn’t really high. I got out of the shower and Ry headed off to work. Me, being the paranoid person that I am, decided to check his temperature again at about 6:30 and it now read 100.4. Now I am worried. Not only is he plugged up like my bathtub drain and can’t breathe because of it, but now he is running a fever. There is no way I am taking him to daycare now.

So I call my work and let them know I won’t be in. (BTW, I work with the most amazing people! They were 100% understanding of the situation. THANKS LADIES!) And then I called my doctor’s office. Gabe’s doctor opens at 7 am which is nice and they worked us in at 8:15 am.
We get there and do all the basic stuff. Listen to his heart rate-sounds good. Take his weight-now at 14 and ½ pounds. (The average weight for a 3 month baby is 12.56 Pounds and Gabe at 10 weeks weighs 14 and 1/2….BIG BOY!) Then they check his temperature-101.6 HOLD ON! That is not normal, nor is it good. So the doctor comes in and listens to his lungs and decides that Gabe needs a chest x-ray. Oh hell. I almost passed out when he had his blood drawn, how am I going to handle this?

And yes, the passing out comment is true. At Gabe’s one month appopintment back on September 21st Gabe had to have his blood drawn to get his PKU test done. So I am holding Gabe while the nurse pricks him in the heel with a needle and starts squeezing blood onto this test card. I am doing okay and I start feeling hot and sweaty. Then my vision quickly starts to get tunneled and as I am asking my sister Becca to take Gabe from me, me knees get weak and my stomach drops. I hurried and sat down and put my head between my knees. Becca said I was really pale and it took me a few minutes to recover. I was glad she was there to help me. So after that, how I am supposed to take him for a chest x-ray? I am going to be sick!

I walk over to the area of the clinic that does x-rays. The technician is nice and tries to explain to me that because babies can’t sit up, nor will they hold still that there is a “device” they use to help to get the x-ray. He went on about how it works and more about why but I quit listening when I saw the contraption. It looks like a torture device. And good ol’ Google had an image of one.

There are a few things wrong with this that I would like to point out. First, the room appears to be brightly lit-this is not the case. The room was almost dark. Also this baby is facing out-in real life, they face a wall so the machine can take a picture of their back. And lastly, and most important, notice how calm this baby is. THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN! The baby in this picture must have been given a valium to keep him this still. The plexy-glass sides of this torture device are cold and when the stuff a baby into this thing when they aren’t feeling good, the cold doesn’t help. Poor Gabe was hungry, sick, cold, and probably scared and I couldn’t do anything to help him. He just sat there screaming, which the technician informed me was really a good thing because it means his lungs are working and they will get good images. Sorry but that doesn't make me feel any better about my screaming baby. It just makes my boobs and my heart hurt.

So after that they take a flu test on him and they send us on our merry way. Turns out Gabe didn't have the flu. Do I feel like I put him through hell for nothing? A little. But he won't remember it so I am okay. I say this but years later when he is in therapy, he will being this up. And then I will really feel like an ass.

He is doing much better now. Still a little congested and snorts when he eats. It makes me laugh which makes me sound kind of mean. The point of this blog was to share my first experience with Gabe being sick and it is turning out to be more proof that I am a HUGE jerk. I should probably stop talking now.

Here is proof that Gabe is doing better. And do you notice his onesie? It says "I LOVE MOMMY" and yes, that is a shameless plug for myself. If child services ever shows up at my house I wil put down my crack pipe, take the beer away from Gabe, and put this onesie on him. It is my proof that I am a fit parent. What kid would wear this if it wasn't true?

Pet Peeves

We all have those little “pet peeves” that eat at us. Annoying habits of others that make us want to lash out in acts of violence? No? Not you? I am the only one who wants to resort to punching? Well fine! Go ahead and be the Dalai Lama. I am going to do what I do best and tell those of you who read this what my top ten biggest pet peeves are. And if you are doing these things, don’t do them around me. (I just warned you about the violence didn’t I?)

Rachel’s Top Ten Pet Peeves

01. People Who Ask Obvious Questions: Questions, for example, like “Do you just love your baby all the time?” Let me think…no. I don’t. In fact, I was wondering if you might take him off my hands seeing as you are obviously a GENIUS! Exactly how shallow is your gene pool for you to ask me such a stupid question? Of course I love him. Now please, go get some condoms so that you will NEVER reproduce.

02. People Who Blow Theirs Noses in Restaurants: The last thing I want to hear while I am trying to enjoy my Egg Drop Soup is you expelling boogers from your nose. I know we all get a little stuffy from time to time, but if you have to BLOW your nose, excuse yourself to the bathroom.

03. Wearing Dog Collars For Jewelry: They are made for dogs for hells sake! And it seems that over the past month, I have been seeing kids doing this A LOT! In fact, here is an example for you to feast upon. Do you realize what this says about you? No one thinks you are cool and edgy. It just makes us want to smack you with a rolled up newspaper and rub your noses in your own poop.

04. People Who Steal Your Parking Spot: Do you really want to do that? I mean, think about this. You steal MY parking spot that I was obviously waiting for and then leave your car to go into a store…unmanned. It gives me a perfect opportunity to spit on your windshield. Maybe you should find somewhere else to park huh?

05. Brown Bananas at the Grocery Store: It can’t be that hard to find some nice fresh bananas can it? Maybe even a little green? So why in the hell does it seem that the Smith’s by my house only has brown ones. Damn you Smith’s produce.

06. Eavesdroppers: Sometimes we all hear other people conversations. Hell, sometimes we do it on purpose. But it is a whole other thing to then jump into that conversation with your two cents. Like when you are standing in line somewhere discussing a recent movie with your friend and some whack-a-doo in front of you turns around and tells you how horrible that movie really is. Thanks for that Mr. Creepy Man…good thing I wasn’t discussing something more personal huh? Now SHUT UP!

07. The Garbage Truck That Comes To My House: This has only becoming a recent pet peeve of mine. First off, the thing sounds like it is housing a bunch of epileptic drummers and might at any moments fall to pieces or blow up. It is so loud! And then the guys who dump the trash cans just toss them anywhere they please once they are done. Like tossing the lid of my garbge can into the ONE PILE of dog poop that I missed picking up. A whole patch of grass and you toss my lid into that poo pile. Thanks for that extra special gift.

08. Ryan, When He Won’t Smash a Spider: This may not seem like much to you, but when you have a spider crawling around that might eat your face, and your husband is taking his time on smashing it, come talk to me. It could get away in the time he is dinking around. And then it will know that I wanted it dead. And it will go and get all its creepy little spider friends and they will all come into my house and have babies and then I DIE! Dramatic? I think not.


09. Pushy Sales People: No I don’t want to rent another movie at half price or order something for desert or sign-up for your credit card to get a 20% discount. Just leave me alone and give me my effing receipt. Thank you.

10. “Neighbor’s" Annoying Chihuahua & Pug: I don’t normally have issues with dogs that bark a little. I mean, dogs will be dogs. But this guy, who normally isn’t a real friendly guy anyway, lets his dogs out into his patio area and they bark and bark and bark. And they’ve got those little yappy tiny barks. It makes me want to throw things at them like water balloons or tomatoes or car batteries.


Now naturally there are many more things that annoy me because that is just the way it is. So don’t criticize my list or you might end up on the next one. Love to you all!

Gabezilla the Destroyer...errr...Maybe not destroy

This is a video that Ry and I took back on October 22 and I completly forgot about it. As many of you know we call Gabe "Gabezilla" because when he gets mad he could destroy the streets of Tokyo. Well a lady I work with by the name of Keisa gave me a little butterfly rattle at my baby shower. So I am sure you can do the math here...Gabe + Butterfly Rattle + Dorky Parents = Gabezilla vs Mothra. Enjoy!

Happy 2 month Birthday

My Sweet Baby Boy-

Momma has been a slacker, I know. You turned 2 months old last week and I have still yet to post. But trust me when I say, this will seem like a minor disappointment compared to what you might face in the future. (Try being a Jazz fan when they lose AT HOME to Houston when Yao and McGrady are both out.) But know that I have been thinking about doing it. And you know what they say: it is the thought that counts. And seeing as how it is the thought that counts, I am telling my family now I have thought about getting you all Christmas presents. THOUGHT ABOUT IT. And since that counts, you can all send your thank you cards to my home address.

So much has changed in the last month. First off you have grown so much! You had your 8 week check-up and your pediatrician noted that eating is not something you have a problem with. No Sir! You eat like a champ. You were 12 lbs and 12 ounces which put you in the 75% for your weight. You were also almost 13 inches long which put you in the 75% for your height. Your head, which I think looks ginormous, was only in the 50%. I don't want to put any pressure on you but, you may want to grow your noggin a little bigger so you don't end up looking like a lemon balancing on top of a refrigerator box. Just an FYI from me to you Big Guy.

You have also started to smile at me and now I am sure it isn't because of gas. You will look at me after you've finished eating (Yes ya'll-from the titty!) and smile as if to say, "Thanks for that Feed Bag." In my world, you do not call me Mom or Rachel or even Hey You. No, to you Meatloaf, I am simply Feed Bag. But those smiles, oh my! They are as great as puppies that barf solid gold rainbows. That is how happy your little smile makes me. You also smile at your Dad when he wiggles his eyebrows. And you smile at the ceiling fan in the bedroom. I love that you are able to show us when you are happy. It is amazing and it makes me more and more grateful every time I see it. Except for when it is a poo smile, I am okay with those but not grateful for them.

You have also started sleeping longer through the night. I say this here because some day when you grow up and are having babies of your own, you will read this and KNOW that I was grateful. And then you will be grateful and you will understand how wonderful it is to get more than two consecutive hours of sleep. Right now you go to sleep around 10 p.m. and will go until about 3 a.m. or 3:30 a.m. Then you’ll sleep until about 6 a.m. And from there you go until about 8 a.m. The thing about the 8 a.m. that confuses me is that you aren’t really hungry and you usually aren’t “messy” so I am not sure why you wake up. My guess is that you know I am trying to finish up so we can leave the house and you just like to throw a wrench in my plans. Thanks for that.

You also experienced your first Halloween just after your 2 month birthday. We dressed you up as a pumpkin. I bought your costume before you were born because I saw it and loved it. And when it came time to put you in it, you almost didn’t fit. Did you hear that my Chunky Monkey? A 3 month size costume that you almost couldn’t fit into at 2 months. It wasn’t so much your circumference that was a problem as it was your height. You were almost too tall for your costume. Which brings me to a point: do not buy things, for what you know is going to be a large baby, that have footies. Get things that are open at the bottom because then your large baby can just be wearing short pants rather than not fit into the $20 costume that you bought.

You Dad and I were also able to have your sister Sera with us this year for Halloween. She was so excited to get to go Trick-O-Treating with our family. She has missed so much over the past few years because she has been living in Arizona, but now that she is back home she was able to be with us for the first time in 4 years. And it was extra special because it was your first Halloween too. Not that you really cared too much. You just sat in your stroller dressed in your pumpkin costume and looked around.

We also started you in daycare this week. And let me tell you how hard that has been! To set you down in that crib and walk away knowing that you are now in the care of someone I don’t know. It has been the thing that I have been dreading since the day you were born. I just love you so much and worry that no one can care for you like I do. And to be honest, no one can. But every day when I go to pick you up, you are happy (or sleeping) and that has made me feel better. You are always have a clean diaper and aren’t hungry. And when you are in the swing, you even seem happy. So even though they aren’t Mommy, I can at least leave you, feeling like you are going to be okay.

I cannot believe that you are now 2 months old my Little Man. It was a year ago Halloween that your Dad, myself, Grandma Karen, Grandpa Chad, and Uncle Byron were starting to paint our brand new home. And now, a year later, we have our home, a dog that eats kennels, Sera back home where she belongs, and you who keeps me on my toes, always smiling, and full of love. Life could not be sweeter. So, happy belated 2 month birthday my sweet Baby Boy. Here’s to a lot more to come!