Sunday, November 8, 2009

Pet Peeves

We all have those little “pet peeves” that eat at us. Annoying habits of others that make us want to lash out in acts of violence? No? Not you? I am the only one who wants to resort to punching? Well fine! Go ahead and be the Dalai Lama. I am going to do what I do best and tell those of you who read this what my top ten biggest pet peeves are. And if you are doing these things, don’t do them around me. (I just warned you about the violence didn’t I?)

Rachel’s Top Ten Pet Peeves

01. People Who Ask Obvious Questions: Questions, for example, like “Do you just love your baby all the time?” Let me think…no. I don’t. In fact, I was wondering if you might take him off my hands seeing as you are obviously a GENIUS! Exactly how shallow is your gene pool for you to ask me such a stupid question? Of course I love him. Now please, go get some condoms so that you will NEVER reproduce.

02. People Who Blow Theirs Noses in Restaurants: The last thing I want to hear while I am trying to enjoy my Egg Drop Soup is you expelling boogers from your nose. I know we all get a little stuffy from time to time, but if you have to BLOW your nose, excuse yourself to the bathroom.

03. Wearing Dog Collars For Jewelry: They are made for dogs for hells sake! And it seems that over the past month, I have been seeing kids doing this A LOT! In fact, here is an example for you to feast upon. Do you realize what this says about you? No one thinks you are cool and edgy. It just makes us want to smack you with a rolled up newspaper and rub your noses in your own poop.

04. People Who Steal Your Parking Spot: Do you really want to do that? I mean, think about this. You steal MY parking spot that I was obviously waiting for and then leave your car to go into a store…unmanned. It gives me a perfect opportunity to spit on your windshield. Maybe you should find somewhere else to park huh?

05. Brown Bananas at the Grocery Store: It can’t be that hard to find some nice fresh bananas can it? Maybe even a little green? So why in the hell does it seem that the Smith’s by my house only has brown ones. Damn you Smith’s produce.

06. Eavesdroppers: Sometimes we all hear other people conversations. Hell, sometimes we do it on purpose. But it is a whole other thing to then jump into that conversation with your two cents. Like when you are standing in line somewhere discussing a recent movie with your friend and some whack-a-doo in front of you turns around and tells you how horrible that movie really is. Thanks for that Mr. Creepy Man…good thing I wasn’t discussing something more personal huh? Now SHUT UP!

07. The Garbage Truck That Comes To My House: This has only becoming a recent pet peeve of mine. First off, the thing sounds like it is housing a bunch of epileptic drummers and might at any moments fall to pieces or blow up. It is so loud! And then the guys who dump the trash cans just toss them anywhere they please once they are done. Like tossing the lid of my garbge can into the ONE PILE of dog poop that I missed picking up. A whole patch of grass and you toss my lid into that poo pile. Thanks for that extra special gift.

08. Ryan, When He Won’t Smash a Spider: This may not seem like much to you, but when you have a spider crawling around that might eat your face, and your husband is taking his time on smashing it, come talk to me. It could get away in the time he is dinking around. And then it will know that I wanted it dead. And it will go and get all its creepy little spider friends and they will all come into my house and have babies and then I DIE! Dramatic? I think not.

09. Pushy Sales People: No I don’t want to rent another movie at half price or order something for desert or sign-up for your credit card to get a 20% discount. Just leave me alone and give me my effing receipt. Thank you.

10. “Neighbor’s" Annoying Chihuahua & Pug: I don’t normally have issues with dogs that bark a little. I mean, dogs will be dogs. But this guy, who normally isn’t a real friendly guy anyway, lets his dogs out into his patio area and they bark and bark and bark. And they’ve got those little yappy tiny barks. It makes me want to throw things at them like water balloons or tomatoes or car batteries.

Now naturally there are many more things that annoy me because that is just the way it is. So don’t criticize my list or you might end up on the next one. Love to you all!

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